Broog: Alien Film Critic. Here’s his review of S.W.A.T. from the archives:
It has been some time since Broog, as a tiny tadpole still confined to his maternal parentâ€™s eggpouch, first heard the many Words of Excoriation which are the lifeblood of the critical process anywhere in the Universe. Sadly, your language is so primitive that your words are merely sounds and symbols conveying an impression rather than an actual sensory experience expressed directly into the mind of the listener, and thus when Broog announces confidently that a movie is a stinker, a vasty foetid pit of par-boiled flesh-eating slugs, you cannot actually smell the environment to which your critic refers. This deplorable lack in your communication is now remedied in a movie of surpassing ghastliness called S.W.A.T.
The actual notion behind the story is at least permissible, and the movie features the redoubtable Mr. Samuel L. Jackson, the only Earth male for whom Broog has any respect owing to the human actorâ€™s choice of a purple lightsaber in the Star Wars prequels. The youth Farrell puts in an adequate and half-naked performance, and Jeremy Renner is under-used as the nefarious Gamble. Sadly, these efforts avail them not, as the storyline drags like the hindquarters of a severely injured bison. The action is constant yet oddly turgid, and the main plot begins late in the day. Michelle Rodriguez looks for a moment as if she may turn the movie around, but like Renner, she has little to do except sneer – a reaction with which Broog can only sympathise, although he would in fact take the emotion further and bite the director savagely in a vulnerable area. The only other features of note are the strange preponderance of dogs in the first half of the film, and their inexplicable absence thereafter, and the attempt to portray the French as the root of all evil, rather than jolly fat people who are too interested in sex and cheese. It will perhaps convey the horror of S.W.A.T. if Broog tells you that, of all the things he saw on the screen that evening, the most exciting and pleasing was a trailer for Torque.
(Thanks to Pasha Malla a.k.a P. Middy for the link.)