Trash talk

So Sunday night my dear friend G. and I met for dinner before going to see ?Mean Girls.?

G. grew up outside Asheville, in the community of Sandy Mush. She has been in charge of my hair for more than a decade now and is not afraid to Withhold The Bob, no matter how I beg. She is also in charge of my mother?s hair. Once, after a particularly strenuous whine for a bob (so easy to care for! I?ll use mousse, I promise! no, I won?t be bored later!), G. paused, scissors held aloft like the Statue of Liberty?s torch. ?Carrie, I didn?t want to play this card but I?m going to: Right now your mother is growing out her hair so she can have a bob.?

I do not have a bob.

Over nachos Sunday, we discussed a friend?s suggestion that G. try Match.com to find suitors. We wondered what criteria G. might use to evaluate potential dates, weighing which was more important: Good sense of humor vs. cutie-patootie? Dog lover vs. ?Buffy? lover?

G. looked around the restaurant as if she were going to tell a secret, then said in a low voice: ?The thing is, I don?t want to end up dating a Christian.? She leaned closer, ?I don?t want to have someone all freaked out just because I?m trying to do a New Moon ceremony in the living room buck-naked.(to her imaginary Christian boyfriend) Don?t be interrupting me! Don?t be trying to save me! I have fallen too far and I can?t be saved.? Then she leaned back against the booth and asked for a refill on her sweet tea.

This to set the mood for G.?s and my new favorite trashy-good series: Charlaine Harris? Southern Vampire novels. They feature a telepath named Sookie Stackhouse, who lives in a small Louisiana town called Bon Temps and consorts with vampires, werewolves, and other supernaturals. Sookie is stacked and has more love interests than Washingtonienne. I hate to get all Hollywood producer (?It?s like ?Cats? meets ?Rosemary?s Baby? meets ?Revenge of the Sierra Madre?!?), but it is true that if you plotted a trajectory from ?Buffy? and another from Janet Evanovich?s Stephanie Plum novels, Harris? Sookie would sit at the intersection. For our Sunday outing, G. brought me the latest, Dead to the World, and it is pure sugar.

Here is a sample of the kind of deadpan Harris (as Sookie) specializes in:

?Alcide [a Werewolf/love interest] is a tall man, with black hair that apparently can?t be tamed with a brush and comb, and he has a broad face and green eyes.

We?ve dumped a body together, and that creates a bond.?

p.s. ?Mean Girls? totally rocked. If there must be media conglomerates, why can?t Jon Stewart and Tina Fey be elected Prom King and Prom Queen of one and allowed to rule? Theirs would be a just & funny & oddly moral kingdom.


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