Other presidents’ erotic efforts

Christopher Monks has alerted me to his recent discovery of the lost erotic writings of U.S. presidents other than Jimmy Carter. For instance:

George H. Bush, from his collection of poems, “Taking Your Pants Off Would Be Prudent.”

There once was a man from Kennebunkport
Whose wang was as big as an airport
Yet his lover was as tight
As a thousand points of light
So instead they decided to watch “Night Court”

Your discoveries of other presidents’ erotic writings may appear after this tag:

My friend Alex passes along this passage from Grover Cleveland’s little-known erotic thriller Maria, a Lady of Buffalo:

His quick, muscular hands made short work of her corset, and she suddenly stood before them as naked as she had been born into the world.

“Now,” she sighed, “take me.”

Stephen took her. She heaved with pleasure and called out, “Yes! Ravish me! Abandon my gold standard! Abolish my tariffs!”

After he had sated himself in her feminine parts, he withdrew. But she had not yet found herself in the state she desired, and she gestured to Benjamin.

“Now, you.”

Stephen could only sit on the corner of the bed, eyes downcast, as the act transpired. But Benjamin was rapid and unskilled in the arts of love, and Maria very shortly found herself once more unengaged.

“Stephen, again!” she cried.

“But you’ve just been with Benjamin,” he protested.

“No matter. I want you to penetrate me,” she leered. “I want you to penetrate me non-consecutively.”

GMB’s White House mole pulled this one from the Presidential garbage can:

George John strided over to the bed, taking big steps, because he manhood was taking up the space where his thighs would rub together. Laura She lay there in quiet anticipation, almost like she was sleepin or somethin. John mounted her and she was quietly overwhelmed. Then John was finished. He rolled over and thought how much better the sex has been now that she’s been taking her Xanax.

Monk has tracked down this effort from Richard Nixon:

My water gates
My water gates

Where I came from there’s a place called heaven
That’s the place where all the good children go
The houses are of silver, the streets are gold
But there’s more where you come from, my water gates

(My water gates) oooh (my water gates)

Blood races to your private spots, lets me know there’s a fire
You can’t fight passion when passion is hot
Temperatures rise inside my water gates


Lemme take you somewhere you’ve never been
I can show you things you’ve never seen
I can make you never wanna fall in love again
Come spend the night inside my water gates

Take advantage, it’s alright

I feel so alive when I’m with you
Come and feel my presence, it’s reigning tonight
Heaven on earth inside my water gates


I can tell you want me, (my water gates) it’s impossible to hide
Your body’s on fire, admit it! Come inside (my water gates)
Ahhhhhhhhh (my water gates) oooooh
Come inside (my water gates, my water gates)
Come spend the night inside my water gates (my water gates)

Dennis DiClaudio has unearthed these presidential scribblings:

George Washington, in his memoir, “Foundations of a Nation State” went on for several pages, and in great detail, how he cut down his first cherry tree as a young man. (The language is too explicit to post on this site.)

Also, I was shocked to learn that Mick Jagger and Keith Richards stole, lmost verbatim, the lyrics to “Brown Sugar” from Thomas Jefferson’s memoir, “A Stately Man.”

This is a direct quote from “William Howard Taft: President, Judge, Man”: “I’m a big disgusting fat guy and I can’t believe anybody even voted for me, but I sure do like it when my wife Helen shits on my chest. Yes, I do!”

And, finally, here is a quote from “Rutherford B Hayes: Who Let This guy in Here?”: “Who the hell am I? Even I’ve never heard of me. But I sure do like having rolled up newspapers stuck up my ass by my wife, whoever she is.”

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