From “Hey, Shakespeare, Kiss My Ass,” by Geoff Wolinetz:

You think you’re so great. “Look at me. I’m Shakespeare. Millions of high-school students read my plays and poems. I’m so cool. Every pretentious jerk with an accent yearns to play the characters in my works. I had sex with Gwyneth Paltrow. I wear this gay-looking collar and have a pointy goatee.” You know what I have to say to you, Shakespeare?

Kiss my ass.

Selections from “Varieties of Insanity Known to Affect Authors“:

My first novel took a long time to write, but now that I’ve been through the process and gotten my feet under me, the rest should go much faster….

I’ve set my novel aside because I’m working on a nonfiction book about [some complex, recondite, and divisive subject where even the experts tread softly, about which I’ve very recently conceived an obsessive interest] that will finally Set Everyone Straight….

I have a friend from my church/school/local bar who knows all about editing and is going to typeset/copy edit/proofread the book for me, so I don’t need to deal with your production staff.

(Via Dust Congress.)

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