“Happy Mother’s Day! Yes, I’m Still Out of Touch with the Lord and Going to Hell!”

Dana points out that there’s a vast, untapped market for dysfunctional Mother’s Day cards and suggests a few slogans, including:

“This Card Is a Testament to All the Wonderful Things About You, Mom, But I’m Sure, Like Everything Else, It Won’t Live Up to Your Impossible Expectations”

“Mom, I’m So Glad We Have These Fifteen Minutes to Spend Together Before My Therapy Session”

“Happy Mother’s Day! No, I Haven’t Gained Weight!”

“Mother, On Your Special Day, Here’s Your Xanax and Chardonnay”

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