As the gentile holiday approaches

These tips from Emily Post’s Guide to Ukranian Dinner Parties also serve in a pinch at Xmas dinner with family:

Use a darkly colored tablecloth, so that spilt wine or bodily fluids are less noticeable.

The large spoon is for soup, the medium spoon for eye-gouging, and the smallest spoon is not to be used until coffee or tea after the meal.

When pulling the ol’ switcheroo, always start with the poisoned goblet to the left of the victim. Goblets should be swapped in a counterclockwise flourish.

Salad is too early to kill, dessert too late.

When choking or strangling, see to it that the victim’s chair is first pulled back six inches from the dinner table, so that his flailing arms and legs do not upset the place setting.

Always wait for a suitable lull in conversation before stabbing with a butter knife. (Tip: For effectiveness, butter knives should be inserted between the third and fourth ribs.)

Avoid discussion of politics or religion in mixed company, or at least until after those with differing opinions have been brutally dealt with.

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